First
I know that this is probably not the right time for me to be writing. Not the right time. I have tons of work to do. I am literally drowning in papers when i sit in my desk chair. And all of the music in the world is not enough to free me from the pain of this constant hunger for life. For time. But writing seems the only thing that makes sense right now. I have this feeling that my brain is like a gathering of intertwined vicious cycles where thoughts are running everywhere. And i am always running out of time. I feel stuck in this big race for something that does not even exist. And school keeps sucking all of this energy out of me.
I am always looking for these little particles of truth, and always trying to put them in order, just to understand what is happening to me. Looking for this eternal moment of truth. This revelation that would save me from me. In this big quest for clarifications, for decisions, and for resolutions, my brain goes back in time, trying to explain the failures, and analyzing every decision i have ever made. I get stuck in these tiny little memories that keep coming back, i start giving interpretations to every single meaningless thing that happened. And this restless entanglement of unrelated ideas is constantly torturing me. Until my mind reaches a state of complete chaos, and i can’t handle it anymore.
I am trying here. I am trying to stitch up some words to come up with something that could look like a blog post. Honestly, i don’t know how i am supposed to feel about this. There’s this part of me that is still wondering why i created this blog in the first place. And i just might need some time to figure it out.
(on Medium)